Dampatch: 7 – Mother of Invention

TV Wiring

Riesling slept very well and woke up early. She got up at around 7:00 and went down stairs. She was shocked by the mess in the kitchen. There were empty cups, saucers, plates and spoons everywhere; Walter’s attempt at making tea last night seemed like he had prepared a full Sunday roast! Riesling rolled up her sleeves and began to clean the kitchen. Within 45 minutes, she had the place shiny clean. She then took out the bacon she bought last night and cooked 8 rashers in the frying pan. In the meantime, she put the kettle on and made a pot of tea.

The smell of cooking bacon reached Walter’s nose causing it to switch from snoring mode to twitching spasm. Walter’s left eye opened first, rolled around in its socket for a while trying to assess the situation. The combined information reaching his brain from the nose, left eye and ears got him to conclude that he was not dreaming and that there is a delightful creature downstairs in his own house doing something he liked the smell of. He opened the right eye to help its sister eye see things better, got out of bed, rummaged round the pile of clothes on the floor until he found his dressing gown, put it on and tried very hard to remember his guest’s name, he couldn’t and he cursed his useless brain. He found one slipper under the bed and the other one inside one of the drawers of his bedside table. He ran to the bathroom, brushed his teeth and tried to smooth his unruly hair by pressing it down with wet hands without much success. He gave up on the beauty treatment and dashed downstairs.

Riesling: good morning, how do you like your tea pet?

Walter: same as you please, thank you eh,

Riesling: Riesling.

Walter: oh yes, yes, yes Riesling. Did you sleep well?

Riesling: mmm, I slept great, thank you very much pet

Walter: you didn’t have to tidy up, I am sorry

Riesling: I wanted to. How about some breakfast?

Walter: yes, yes, yes please, can I do something?

Riesling: no, just sit down and I will bring it to you in a minute pet

Walter: I don’t usually have breakfast

Riesling: why not?

Walter: I don’t know. I just forget

Riesling: you should you know. What about lunch?

Walter: I haven’t had my breakfast yet!

Riesling: oh, you are a funny dog

Walter: I buy a sandwich from the cafeteria at work

Riesling: and dinner?

Walter: I buy a McDonald or a ready meal from Tesco

Riesling: don’t you ever cook for yourself pet?

Walter: no, no, no

Riesling: why not?

Walter: too busy

Riesling: are you busy when you are at home?

Walter: yes, yes, yes

Riesling: busy doing what pet?

Walter: inventing and thinking

Riesling: will you show me a new invention you are working on pet?

Walter: you will be bored

Riesling: no I won’t, I would like to see your inventions

Walter: well, if you want to

Riesling: after breakfast. Do you mind if I have a shower?

Riesling had her shower and spent 30 minutes or so trying to coax her hair into something resembling normal but it always sprang back out in all directions so she gave up on that and focused on her make up instead. She applied some of the tips the people at Leila’s Boudoir beauty salon gave her on Friday. She finally emerged all spruced up and went down stairs to find Walter scribbling away in his notebook still in his pyjamas and dressing gown. Walter told Riesling she looked lovely and said he would go and get dressed as well.

Walter returned 15 minutes later dressed in a brown shirt, green corduroy trousers and with blobs of cotton wool all over his face having shaved in too much of a hurry, cutting his face in various places.

Riesling and Walter sat down on the sofa and Walter began to tell her about his latest idea:

Walter: you know the iPod everyone is using these days? I know it sounds big-headed but, I thought of it about 15 years ago only I called it the EarPod then. But as usual, I never registered it at the Patent Office and someone else came along, registered it before me and sold the idea to the Apple Corporation

Riesling: who was it, do you know?

Walter: no, no, no. I can hardly remember my own name

Riesling: But you can find out can’t you pet?

Walter: yes, yes, yes. But why?

Riesling: No reason. Anyway, carry on

Walter: carry on with what?

Riesling: Walter pet, you were telling me about the EarPod thing and your new invention!

Walter: oh yes, yes, yes. Well, when you think about it, the iPod or EarPod gives you quality music in your ears. You can do other things on them like store pictures and the like but mostly, you use them to listen to music. The next logical thing is to have something that delivers entertainment straight into your eye as well as your ear, like a music video or a movie or a football match or whatever. This is where my invention comes in

Riesling: But they already have these small portable DVD players, I have seen them in the new Electrical Goods Department at M&S, isn’t it?

Walter: no, no, no. My invention is not like that. You will have a small device which you place one end over your left or right eye and the other end wraps around your ear like those blue tooth devices and basically, you can watch a video or a film through the eye screen while walking down the street or sitting on the bus or train or wherever you want. The screen looks a bit like an eye patch that’s why I am going to call the invention the iPatch

Riesling: well, that’s brilliant Walter! You must register it before someone else beat you to it, isn’t it?

Walter: yes, yes, yes, but I haven’t finished the design work yet

Riesling: never mind that, register it straight away

Walter: if I register it now, it will be rejected due to the lack of detail!

Riesling: what detail is lacking then pet?

Walter: all kinds of things and I must be sure the storage device has enough capacity to store millions of bits of information you need for a video or a film and I have to think about a powerful yet compact battery that will last long enough to play a movie and I have to…

Riesling: listen pet, why don’t you take a few days off work and concentrate on doing all these things here at home and don’t leave the house until you have all you need to apply for a registration, isn’t it?

Walter: I suppose I do have a lot of accumulated holidays, but I have to carry out research and investigations

Riesling: Walter pet, don’t you have a computer here? You can do your research on the computer, isn’t it?

Walter: yes, yes, yes, I suppose so. I can buy loads of ready meals from Tesco and bung something in the oven whenever I am hungry

Riesling: we can do better than that pet. I too have a lot of holidays owing to me, isn’t it? I will take two weeks off and come and look after you if you like.

Walter’s heart leapt out of his chest, did a couple of somersaults across the room, swung from the light in the middle of the ceiling, danced the conga all round the house, tickled Zatar under the chin and finally leapt back inside his chest with joy.

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