There was a time when a man’s word was his bond. Generally speaking you went about your everyday life claiming to be someone, who does certain things, you moved about unchallenged and transacted business with other honourable men and women freely. Occasionally, if and when you messed up, there was the rule of law to check your wrongdoings.
This time-honoured mechanism has all but disappeared in our age and has been replaced by doubt and suspicion that states: you are up to something bad and you had better make so much effort to prove that your intentions are good.
You are probably thinking to yourself: there we go again; he has a story of a frustrating experience to tell that demonstrates his point. DAMN RIGHT I DO!
Two weeks ago, I went online and booked a rental car to collect from Heathrow Airport on a Saturday night around 11:30, to drive myself home for a two-week vacation. Excellent website, which quickly steers you through the various options, collects every conceivable details about you and your personal life, and within a few minutes you are told how much it will cost to rent a car and the deposit you need to pay online, how to collect the car, what are your rights, your responsibilities and offers you the chance to print your agreement. You pay the deposit there and then, the money is sucked out of your account with a speed to impress rocket scientists, and you finally print a telephone directory sized information pack.
If you have the inclination and time to read through the pack, it tells you what you already know such as your name, your address, your date of birth, that you are coming to Heathrow Airport, blah, blah, blah. It also offers in red letters a UK phone number to call for “immediate assistance” in case you need it.
I was pleased with myself and resolved to use them again in the future.
Two days ago, something told me I should check I have my driving licence with me, so I checked and sure enough, I found it tucked amongst my credit cards, airline, hotel and supermarket loyalty cards, as well as some other cards I collected I don’t know where, when or even why! It seems I belong to so many affiliate groups and loyalty schemes which when added together, I probably have more intangible assets than tangible ones, I can die happy.
However, this credit card-sized driving licence is only good enough to produce when challenged by traffic police to prove that you are indeed licenced to drive at all. There is a counter-paper licence which is a double A4 document that the British licencing authority use to record an additional and most important piece of information: how many penalty points you have accumulated as you went about causing mayhem on the road.
Clearly, I do not carry a two-sided A4 official document on my person. Like most people, I keep it safe at home in England until I need it. I spoke to my wife and she promised to scan and send me the paper version of my licence but then she issued the following warning: Maybe you should check with the car rental company to see if they accept a copy of the original. I thought she was being silly so, naturally, I ignored that warning and confirmed to her when I was landing, what time I thought I would collect the rental car and what time I expected to get home. We said goodnight and all seemed well.
Yesterday morning, a voice within told me to check the accuracy of my wife’s warning. So, I took out the information pack, looked up the telephone number and dialled the car rental people. Inevitably, the phone was answered by a recorded message, which instructed me to press 1,2,3 or 4 depending on the nature of my inquiry. There was no option to select for: “press 9 for your wife being unduly fussy” so as always, I pressed the catchall choice of: “for all other inquiries”, this took me to a further sub menu and I repeated my random selection.
It is weird how those service centres ask you to refine your selection through various menus and when you eventually speak to a human being, they have absolutely no idea why you are calling and ask you to tell them everything all over again!
Anyway, going back to my story. I was entertained by a non-descript piece of music which was occasionally interrupted by a bored female voice apologising for keeping me waiting and re-assuring me that my call was “important to them” and I should continue to hold. 10 minutes later, I was about to hang up and take my chances when a human being finally came on the line and asked me how she could help me.
I explained the situation and then the following exchange took place:
Me: I have my plastic driving licence with me, presumably, I don’t need the counter paper version, do I?
Helpful Operator 1: Yes you do sir
Me: Why?
Helpful Operator 1: To check that you don’t have endorsements on your licence sir
Me: But I don’t have endorsements on my licence
Helpful Operator 1: We need to check that sir
Me: Okay, I can produce a copy of the paper licence
Helpful Operator 1: That will not be acceptable sir
Me: Why not?
Helpful Operator 1: In case you have forged the copy to remove the endorsements sir
Me: But I haven’t done that!
Helpful Operator 1: But we don’t know that sir!
Me: But the original is at home and I am actually flying in to Heathrow from abroad and I don’t see how I can be reunited with my paper licence in time for me to prove I have not spent all night forging the copy. I am flying in tomorrow afternoon, is there anything we can do?
Helpful Operator 1: Yes sir, you can give us authority to call DVLA (The UK Licencing Authority) and check their records and confirm you do not have endorsements on your licence
Me: Great! I give you authority.
Helpful Operator 1: That will not do sir
Me: Oh, what will do then?
Helpful Operator 1: You have to call the DVLA and ask them to give us authority, call us back and tell us that you have done that, then we call them and check. After that, we will call you and tell you if everything is ok.
Me: All of this can be done in one day?
Helpful Operator: It is possible, the DVLA closes at 7:00 in the evening so, if you call them straight away, we should be able to get this problem sorted.
A day earlier, I didn’t know I had a problem, I suddenly found myself in partnership with a strange woman solving a problem that was based on the fact I was under suspicion of forging my driving history!
I looked up the DVLA number and dialled. You guessed it: there was a menu of choices to go through and again, I pressed random numbers and waited for a human being to answer the phone. Eventually, a person came on the line and I explained my situation.
DVLA: What is your driving licence reference number?
Me: I read out a long sequence of numbers and letters on my plastic licence
DVLA: What is your family name?
Me: I gave the name and spelled it for her
DVLA: What is your first name?
Me: Did that too
DVLA: Do you have middle names?
Me: Spelled that one too
DVLA: What is your full address?
Me: gave it
DVLA: what is your date of birth?
Me: gave it
DVLA: What is your mobile phone number?
Me: struggled with that but eventually remembered it
DVLA: What is the name of the car rental company?
Me: I gave that and started to spell it
DVLA: I know how to spell Europcar. I have entered on the system that they can call us and check you have no endorsements. This authority will be valid for one week only, goodbye.
I then returned to the car rental company and went through the menu selection and waited while listening to music you can slash your wrists by. A millennium later, another woman came on the line and I had to brief her on the matter all over again.
Helpful Operator 2: What is your booking reference number sir?
Me: read that out from my information pack
Helpful Operator 2: May I have a phone number we can reach you on?
Me: Why do you need to reach me? I gave the DVLA the go ahead for you to contact them
Helpful Operator 2: We need to call you and confirm to you that you don’t have endorsements on your licence sir
Me: But I don’t have any endorsements
Helpful Operator 2: Yes sir, can I have a number we can reach you on?
Me: struggled again but eventually gave her my mobile number
Helpful Operator 2: I will send an email to our Head Office to call DVLA and check your licence
Me: Why can’t you call them yourself?
Helpful Operator 2: I am not allowed to sir
Me: But I am allowing you to!
Helpful Operator 2: It is not our procedure sir
Me: Okay. Are you sure all of this can be done in one day? I am flying in tomorrow and it is the weekend
Helpful Operator 2: Oh yes, DVLA closes at 7:00 p.m. sir
I went back to work and two hours later I was getting concerned no one had called me to say I had a clean licence so I checked my phone and it said I had a missed call! I also had a recorded message. I went through the Vodafone system pressing all sorts of numbers before I eventually was allowed to listen to my message. It was yet another woman from the car rental company saying there was a problem and I should call them straight away. I called straight away.
Helpful Operator 3: Before we call DVLA, I need some further information from you sir
Me: what information?
Helpful Operator 3: I need your date of birth?
Me: gave it to her
Helpful Operator 3: your lice reference number?
Me: gave it to her
Helpful Operator 3: Your full address?
Me: gave that as well
Helpful Operator 3: Thank you sir, we will call DVLA and check your endorsements
Me: I do not have any endorsements! Can I ask you a question?
Helpful Operator 3: Yes sir
Me: Why ask me all these questions? I entered all this information when I booked the car in the first place.
Helpful Operator 3: I am calling from Head Office, not from Heathrow Centre
Me: Ah, that explains it then
An hour later I checked my phone and there was another missed call with a recorded message.
“Good afternoon, this is Europcar Head Office confirming that you have no endorsements on your licence and you can collect your rented car from Heathrow Airport”
I am going to check but I think it is a close call what costs more, renting a large car for two weeks or, making international calls to prove my fitness to rent the damned car in the first place.
