Girlfriend: Oh I forgot to tell you, we have been invited for a Sunday lunch at Jenny & Phil
Me: Which Sunday?
Girlfriend: Tomorrow Sunday
Me: But that’s such a short notice!
Girlfriend: I know I am sorry, I meant to mention it sooner but I forgot
Me: But I don’t like them, they are boring
Girlfriend: Sweetie, I already said yes
Me: Call Jenny and say “no”
Girlfriend: It’s too late, they will have already shopped for tomorrow and it would be rude to cancel at such a short notice
Me: Well, you didn’t think it was rude to give me a short notice
Girlfriend: That’s different
Resistance was futile so, I gave up and assumed a sulky attitude for the rest of the day and on to the next morning.
The following day around noon we drove across London to Jenny and Phil’s place, a journey that would normally take 45 minutes, took twice as long because my girlfriend could not remember where their house was and in the ancient days of no mobile phones or GPRS gizmos, you had to rely on memory, street plan maps or simply “stop and ask” someone who looked local.
Driving round and round the general vicinity of their home, we were both getting more and more desperate for the bathroom. After full-length feature movie duration, we somehow found the house and raced each other up the garden path. My girlfriend won the race and after a hasty kiss, kiss asked for the bathroom while I was whisked into the lounge and offered a glass of wine. When my girlfriend appeared in the lounge, I decided to leave a respectable gap between her coming out and me going in to avoid looking uncool. That was a piece of etiquette I did not have to adhere to but, I did.
By the time I consumed half of my chilled white wine, I could no longer hold my bladder in check so I asked where the bathroom was and Jenny showed me the way. It turned out the bathroom was smack next to the kitchen where Phil was doing the cooking and after showing me the bathroom ,Jenny joined her husband in the kitchen. When I entered the bathroom and turned the lights on I was horrified to discover their bathroom doors were highly unusual; they were the double louver doors type with horizontal slats.
I looked for a key to lock the doors but there were none, the doors just aligned themselves shut. Someone on the outside wishing to use the facility had to rely on two factors to determine whether or not they could enter: firstly, by carrying out headcount of the people on the outside and if the count produced a shortage of one person, it was safe to assume they were inside. The second test was to see if there was a light on in the bathroom, thus indicating someone was in there. This may explain why they used louver doors, which could allow a medium sized reptile to slide through between the slats and therefore, light from the inside would leak out.
As I shut the doors I realised to my horror, that I could clearly hear Jenny asking Phil silly questions related to the meal he was preparing and Phil being dismissive and telling her to mind her own business. I though: If I could hear their conversation so clearly, I am sure they could hear my tsunami-like urination when I began to perform. I had to think quickly as I was now close to wetting myself.
My quick thinking led me to make the first error of judgment. I decided to urinate in a ladylike manner by sitting down, thus avoiding any tinkling noises. I dropped my trousers and underpants down to my ankles and settled down for a very welcome relief. As I began to urinate, I made my second error of judgment by inspecting the slats of the louver doors, which were clearly showing everything on the outside, including a small telephone table, a frame on the wall, even the coat hanger by the front door were all clearly visible from the inside of the bathroom. I wondered what possessed them to fit such totally inadequate bathroom doors and decided they were kinky, or something worse.
Finally, I finished my business so I stood up and began to pull up my trousers and underpants when the worst imaginable surprise was revealed. I somehow managed to empty the entire contents of my bladder on the floor of the bathroom instead of inside the toilet Bowl. How could that have happened? There was a huge puddle on the floor and combined with the neon lights of the bathroom, there was a clear rainbow above my head. I checked the toilet to see if it was properly installed and it was. I then looked at the toilet seat and realised it had a huge gap between it and the actual toilet bowl therefore, any bad aim would result in the huge puddle I was standing in the middle of!
Miraculously, my trousers and underpants were dry. Once again, I had to think fast and recover the situation. There was only one small hand towel, which I could not possibly soak up my urine with it. The only other blotting agent in the bathroom was the toilet paper.
It took an entire roll of toilet paper and four flushes before I could pronounce the situation recovered. I washed my hands and returned to the lounge to reunite with my girlfriend and glass of white wine, while our hosts busied themselves in the kitchen.
Me: What’s with the bathroom louver doors then?
Girlfriend: what about them?
Me: I’ve only seen them in Western films as swinging saloon doors for the likes of John Wayne and Clint Eastwood to make dramatic entrances
Girlfriend: Shshsh, keep your voice down, they might overhear you
Me: Well, they don’t seem to care about overhearing me having a leak in their toilet; why would they choose louver doors?
Girlfriend: I don’t know! Oh Hi Jenny, we were admiring your lounge
Jenny sat down promising the meal would not be long now. The conversation drifted to other less interesting matters but I could not get my mind off the louver doors. It was then that it hit me; the lounge had full-length louver doors too! I concluded that they had a substantial discount on a batch of louver doors and decided to take advantage of it by installing the damned things all over their house.
The meal was served in the kitchen-cum-dining room and it was pretty average. Half way through the meal Jenny excused herself and went to the bathroom next door. A couple of minutes later Jenny shouted:
Jenny: Phil, there is no toilet paper!
Phil: Don’t be silly, I put a new one this afternoon
Jenny: You can’t have, there is none now
Phil: Have a look on the floor; it might have rolled off
Jenny: Phil!
Phil: Yes
Jenny: It’s not there
Phil: Are you sure?
Jenny: of course I am sure! Can you get me some please?
The rest of the meal was, to say the least, awkward. Jenny was not happy Phil lied about putting a fresh roll of toilet paper; Phil was irritated he had to do the shopping, cooking, cleaning and refreshing the toilet paper while Jenny did nothing but complain about everything; my girlfriend was cross with me for creating the toilet paper drama; I was wondering what possessed them to install louver doors in the bathroom, thus making me create the situation in the first place!
