On the evening of Saturday 15 December, Walter and Riesling sat down for a television dinner and to celebrate the sale of Riesling house the day before. They both felt they needed a break away from their computers and to spend some quality time together. They watched the final of the X Factor and voted for one of the finalists, a short woman from Yorkshire called Cortina Right. They then watched “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” and between them they got every question right. The last question for £250,000 was “who invented the GATES Software?” and they both shouted: Walter Dampatch! But the answer Chris Tarrant wanted was “Gill Bates”. This last bit of the programme put an abrupt end to their good mood so they decided to get back to work again.
Riesling: you know pet, from what I have been able to find out so far, Gill Bates has more fingers in more pies than I ever thought was possible
Walter: really my Apple Pie?
Riesling: I am almost at the end of my research, just give me a few more days and I will prove it to you
Walter: right you are. For my part, I am making progress on an old idea which I think is going to be a winner
Riesling: which one is that pet?
Walter: the CarCom idea, which displays messages to other motorists
Riesling: mind you don’t put anything on the old computer otherwise you know who will be on to it before you can say Llandudno!
Walter: no, no, no of course not my little Welsh Rarebit
Walter went to work for the rest of the coming week and took an extended holiday from Friday 21 December until Monday 7th January so that he can spend more time with Riesling and finish his work on the CarCom.
On Saturday 22 December, Riesling and Walter went Christmas shopping in Bristol to buy each other presents and in the evening they went to the Bristol Old Vic theatre to see a new production of the hit “Chavs, The Musical”. The curtains went up and the opening scene was outside a seedy bar in a seedy town somewhere. Faye, the star of the musical opened the show by walking out of the bar with a group of chavs spoiling for a fight; Faye sang the opening number “Fight at Midnight”. Walter soon fell asleep but Riesling loved the show.
Walter and Riesling had a quiet Christmas. They agreed that it would be silly to buy a whole turkey just for the two of them so, they settled for a chicken instead and Riesling roasted it with all the trimmings. They exchanged presents whereby Walter bought Riesling a mobile phone, a pair of gold earrings and GHD hair straighteners; Riesling bought Walter a Dictaphone machine, some aftershave and a nose hair trimmer. Riesling liked her new mobile phone and practiced answering calls by saying “0799 799 799, who is speaking please?”. Lunch was delicious and they hardly had room for their Christmas pudding. They then sat down in front of the television and watched the Queen Speech which was about creativity and invention; this cheered them both up and made them determined to carry on with their fight against the diabolical Gill Bates.
On Sunday 30 December, Claire drove into a remote house in one of the many valleys of Dartmoor National park, Devon and rang the bell outside the gates. Two Doberman pinschers came thundering down the track, sized her up and down and decided to have her for lunch as soon as they had half a chance. Suddenly, a tall slim woman with dark hair, black top and a pair of jeans emerged with a pipe in her mouth and fire in her eyes. She didn’t look like someone who should be messed with and the dogs knew it because when they realised she was behind them they postponed their plans for lunch and sat up obediently. Through the pipe clenched between her teeth, the woman said: “yesh?” and Claire asked: ”Anna Suermondt?” and the woman said: “yesh?”. Claire realised this woman had a limited vocabulary and an unlimited capacity for violence so she decided to come to the point.
Claire: Yoma sent me; I am interested in buying some of your hardware
Anna: yesh?
Claire: I need a hand gun, a long-range rifle, ammunition, and a couple of your specials
Anna: it’ll cosht ya
Claire: how much?
Anna: two grand
Claire: £2,000, that’s a lot!
Anna: goodbye
Claire: no, no wait, I’ll pay it
Anna: wait here. Mandela, Theresa WATCH!
With renewed hope, the two Dobermans stood up and bared their teeth at Claire to show continued interest in her flesh. They looked like they were thinking whether to bother using a specific recipe or to just rip her from limb to limb and eat her on the spot. As they couldn’t think of a suitable recipe, the second option was favoured.
A few minutes later, the arms dealer returned with a rifle on her shoulder, a hand gun in her jeans belt and a box in her arms. She set the box on the ground, took the pipe out of her mouth, and suddenly became very talkative: “right, the rifle has a telescopic sight, it is already celebrated for up to 150 meters, I am giving you 50 rounds of ammunition; the hand gun is Magnum 45, it is a bit heavy but the results are guaranteed to be substantial damage to man or beast, I am giving you 100 rounds of ammunition for that; the two bombs are ready to be set using a 24 hour timer, the clock is the silent type and it is virtually impossible to detect or disarm if detected. Each bomb will destroy an entire bus and create a 10-meter crater. Any questions?”. Claire said she had no questions, she went to her car, opened the back door and took out a small bag; she counted £2,000 and returned to the gate. Claire handed the money to Anna Suermondt through the iron bars and said: “count it if you want” and the woman gave a sinister smile which was truly spine chilling, showing a surprisingly good set of teeth with at least 3 gleaming gold caps amongst them. She said: “that won’t be necessary deary”, took the wad with a hand even a hardened pirate would have been proud of, and shoved it down her black top. The woman passed the rifle and hand gun through the iron bars and then opened the gate enough for her to be able to push the cardboard box through.
At this point, the two hopeful Dobermans stood up and looked around for their napkins, but since they had already dribbled a gallon of sticky saliva down their huge chests in anticipation of having Claire for dinner, they decided they would do without table etiquette on this occasion. Unfortunately for Theresa and Mandela, their mistress shouted: “CHILAX!”, the two dogs dropped their powerful shoulders and walked off heartbroken, dry mouthed and very hungry. Claire loaded the hardware in the boot of her rented Nissan Micra and drove off relieved to have come through the transaction in one piece!
On the same day but 105 miles further north, Riesling asked Walter if he could stop what he was doing because she had something she wanted to show him. Walter put his pen down and followed Riesling to the Kitchen where she had a large brown paper which is normally used for wrapping parcels, lying flat on the table with loads of names and arrows connecting most of the names to a single name. The whole thing looked like a spider’s web with a single large spider at the heart of the web. Needless to say that at the centre of the web was the biggest spider of them all, Gill Bates himself! Riesling began to explain to Walter what she had discovered:
Riesling: I found this man had so many interests and companies and the only way I could get a view of what he was up to was to draw this diagram. I used Google to investigated his business interests and activities using all kinds of websites including Inland Revenue, banks, Patent Office, government agencies, Interpol, CIA, FBI, MI5, MI6, BBC, ITV, Amnesty, Lloyds of London, New York Stock Exchange, Who is Who, and Murdoch Law School. I had to search everywhere because the man is everywhere! You just wouldn’t believe the things he gets himself involved in. Do you know, two years ago he managed to get a Chinese nationality by paying the Chinese government $125 million US and promised to release a special version of GATES that prevents anyone who lives in China from accessing any information about the Chinese authorities!!
Walter: that’s remarkable my Database of Joy! Why are some of the entries on your chart red whilst others are black?
Riesling: we are interested in the companies in red while the black ones are his other business activities which are still very dodgy but they are nothing to do with us pet. You can rest assured that everything this man does is illegal either partly, mostly or completely, he is as crooked as a Welsh shepherd’s crook, isn’t it?
Walter: What else have you found my little Private Eye?
Riesling: basically, Gill Bates is always creating companies all over the world and he brings in partners in each country to act as a front for his activities. He always keeps a majority ownership of these companies to make sure they do what he wants. I can’t prove it yet but, at the moment he is trying to make contact with Osama Bin Laden because he wants to buy shares in Al Qaeda and get in to the terrorism business!
Walter: I say! What on earth for?
Riesling: well, he thinks there is a big future in terrorism
Walter: the man has gone stark raving bonkers!
Riesling: oh he is as mad as a cigar smoking hen
What Riesling had been able to glean about Gill Bates was truly diabolical; the man was rich, powerful and on his way to controlling every aspect of our world. He sought power and fortune but most of all, he dedicated most of his energies to exact revenge on Walter Riesling for that cheating incident back in 1975. Walter stared at the diagram with horror and a sense of panic. If you don’t believe me, look at the simplified diagram of Riesling’s chart on the next page. Well, what did I tell you?
Riesling got up and went to the kitchen. 15 minutes later she emerged with a tray full of goodies and two cups of coffee. She set the table down and they had some of the usual snacks like mince pies, nuts and bacon butties. At this point, Riesling got up, took the school picture off the wall and sat next to Walter on the sofa. She pointed at the picture and said:
Riesling: you see this ginger haired thin girl standing next to you pet? This is Claire Hiscott, remember her?
Walter: yes, yes, yes, she used to tease me about things
Riesling; that is right pet, she was also the person who started the rumour about Gill Bates cheating which ended up with him being expelled
Walter: yes, yes, yes. Why are you telling me all this my Picture of Beauty?
Riesling: Claire Hiscott and Gill Bates are engaged to be married pet
Walter: no, no, no. It can’t be!
Riesling: Soon after he finished university, Claire followed Gill to Perth and they got engaged soon after that, isn’t it?
Walter: but that’s ages ago, why aren’t they married yet?
Riesling: who knows, we are dealing with a madman, remember pet?
Walter: So, do you think Claire is involved in all of this?
Riesling: oh yes pet! She is involved alright
Walter: how do you know?
Riesling: what do you think I have been doing for the last few days pet? Claire is the one who recruits potential partners to Gill’s diabolical business deals. Nearly all Gill’s business partners in the UK have been recruited by Claire including Stephen Bawtree and Caroline Aloy, who happens to be her sister! She is what you might call “Mrs Fixit”
Walter: I can’t believe it, she was such a sweet and innocent girl from a decent family!
Riesling: there is nothing sweet or innocent about her any more and the only decent thing about her family is the amount of money they are raking in through Gill Bates
Walter: oh, when will the bad news end?
Riesling: not now pet. Claire Hiscott is here in England as we speak getting up to goodness knows what
The Dampatches sat in silence for a few minutes to reflect on what they have been discussing. Suddenly, a huge light bulb, a church bell, and a jab with a sharp stick made Walter sit upright and shout, or at least that’s how it seemed to Riesling when Walter clapped his hands together so hard that Izha and Zatar ran out of the room together and went into a huddle in the corridor to comfort one another.
Walter: OF COURSE! How could I have been so stupid?
Riesling: what are you talking about pet? You scared me!
Walter: the office cleaner, the office cleaner!
Riesling: pet, this is no time for strange utterances
Walter: the day I lost my application folder for the iPatch, is the day when a strange but vaguely familiar office cleaner was hovering around my desk. Now I know why she was familiar
Riesling: pet, don’t tell me, Claire Hiscott
Walter: I am telling you, I know I haven’t seen her in years but I never forget a face my Button Nose
Riesling: so, you are saying that Claire has come to your office and stole our application at the instructions of Gill?
Walter: think about it, I have the file at around 8:30 in the morning and I lose it by lunch time physically as well as electronically from the system. We already agreed that Gill Bates is clever enough to do it electronically but he needed someone to remove the physical copy as well
Riesling: I suppose it makes sense. Gill Bates is not used to you fighting back and trying to actually register one of your inventions for the first time so, he had to act and steal all evidence that you invented the iPatch to give him enough time to register the iBall first
Walter: exactly. What’s our next move then Clever Thing?
Riesling: well, we need to find Claire and find her fast, she could be a loose cannon
To read the next chapter, please click here: Chapter 19
