I have a love / hate relationship with bread; I love it and it hates me. There is nothing that can be done about that. Or is there?

I am waiting for the day when some smarty-pants dietician comes along with a new plan for keeping healthy, trim and fit. This new plan will consist of eating nothing but bread, 3 times a day and in-between snacks. But, we all know that’s not going to happen.

I was doing fine eating bread until my early-forties but then, something happened. I grew older and my metabolism grew slower. This manifested itself in many ways, but mainly a lack of tolerance to bread; all types of bread. I was to find out later on that it was not gluten or starch or whether the wheat was genetically modified or not. It simply had to do with yeast, the raising agent, which is actually a form of fungus. But if you take yeast out of the bread-making equation, you end up with something resembling a building brick, in texture and taste. You might as well eat bricks, they are cheaper.

The trouble with this type of bread is that it does terrible things to many of us, not just me. Each slice of bread comes with its own bicycle pump which, once you swallow it, begins to bloat your stomach so much, it makes you feel uncomfortable for days thereafter, and your belly to be as good as a drum any percussionist would be glad to use.

Then I came across sourdough bread; the ancient way of making bread before humanity discovered the yeast fungus and over the years, found ways to make it at industrial scale so we ended up with this weird and wonderful raising agent that we use to make bread, which only requires water and sugar to activate it with sufficient potency to raise a family-sized car, never mind your humble loaf of bread.

Sourdough bread, if prepared properly, does not use the yeast fungus at all. Instead, it relies on harnessing good bacteria from the air all around us. Basically, you mix flour and water and set them aside for 24 hours, you then add some more flour and water to the mix, to feed the bacteria, and repeat the same process for about two weeks. If the baking stars in the sky line up beautifully for you, then you will end up with a fizzy, bubbly sour-smelling mixture full of lovely bacteria culture, referred to by the baking fraternity as a ‘starter’ in English, ‘khamireh’ in Arabic, or ‘prozimi’ in Greek. This two-week old culture can last for years, provided you continue to feed and manage it properly.

I am in the process of mastering the very difficult and dark art of making good sourdough bread but, I might as well be saying: I am in the process of replicating the Sistine Chapel ceiling; it is theoretically possible but, jolly impossible in a single lifetime.

As I refine my technique for baking this type of bread, I have abandoned all other types of bread because I cannot stand this much hatred from them.

In conclusion, there is no escaping the fact that I suck at eating fungal bread.