I love a clever impromptu response. The kind that is funny, cutting and proportionate to what has just been said to trigger the response. Some people have the facility to come up with such retorts while the majority of us only have the presence of mind to respond by being open-mouthed in disbelief or reply with a profanity, which is neither clever nor amusing.
Ignore comedy shows and movies which have clever lines in abundance. The exchanges are manufactured dialogues by the writer and can hardly be considered impromptu.
All of the above is an excuse to quote a few of these gems. I am sure you will have come across some, hopefully not all. Some people like Dorothy Parker and Sir Winston Churchill are credited with many quotes and they tend to be popular so, I will quote them sparingly. Also, some of the quotes below are disputed in terms of accuracy and existence of the whole anecdote however, I am not going to let accuracy and actual facts get in the way of this blog. This is not a research paper; it is just an innocent bit of fun!
Here we go:
George Bernard Shaw wrote to Sir Winston Churchill saying: ‘My new play will open on Friday night and I am sending you two tickets for you and a friend, if you have one’. Sir Winston replied: ‘Thank you for the tickets. I am afraid I already have a prior commitment on Friday, however, I am free on Saturday night and would love to see the second performance, if there is one’.
A journalist asked John Lennon if he thought Ringo Starr was the best drummer in the world. Lennon replied: ‘Ringo is not the best drummer in the Beatles, never mind the world’
Bono of U2 rock band is well known for campaigning for worthy causes. At one of his concerts, the music went quiet and the venue fell silent. Bono began to click his fingers every second or so. After what seemed like a long time, he finally spoke: ‘every time I click my fingers, a child in Africa dies of starvation or disease’. Someone in the audiences shouted back: ‘well, stop clicking your fingers then’.
Alan Clark, an English politician and a member of the upper classes described Michael Heseltine, another English politician who had a relatively modest background, as follows: ‘The trouble with Michael is that he had to buy all his furniture’. Aristocratic families inherit generations’ old furniture.
After a performance of one of his plays, Oscar Wilde appeared on stage to be acclaimed by the audience who applauded him and threw flowers at his feet. All except one dissatisfied member of the audience who threw a rotten cabbage at him. Wilde picked up the cabbage and said: ‘thank you my friend. Every time I smell it, I shall be reminded of you’.
Sir Winston Churchill was drunk at a party; nothing unusual there! A woman was disgusted by his behaviour said: ‘If you were my husband, I would poison your coffee’. Sir Winston replied: ‘Madam, If I were your husband, I would drink it’.
In their early days, in the Sixties, before achieving global fame, the Rolling Stones used to gig around pubs and clubs in the UK. Lead singer Mick Jagger must have looked like an alien to the average man in the street, but he did not care, he was supremely confident. One night in a small club, the band came on stage and started to get ready to play their set. A voice from the back of the room shouted to Jagger: ‘Get a haircut!’ Quick as a flash, Jagger replied: ‘what, and look like you? No thanks’
Film maker Samuel Goldwyn to one of his staff: ‘If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you’
Mahatma Gandhi was asked what he thought of Western Civilisation. He replied: ‘I think it would be a good idea’
This exchange took place at the Old Baily Court in London between an accused petty criminal and a patrician judge. The man was accused of theft and there was little doubt that he was guilty. The judge heard enough and was ready to pass a sentence but allowed the accused to say something in his defence. The man stood up and said: ‘Your Honour, may God be my judge, I am not guilty’. The judge passed the shortest sentence ever recorded by responding as follows: ‘He is not, I am, and you are’.
Young Dustin Hoffman co-starred with veteran actor Laurence Olivier in the movie “Marathon Man’. Hoffman was into method acting and for a specific scene, the character he played had not slept for three days. Dustin decided not to sleep for 72 hours so that he can give the scene the authenticity it needed. When Lord Olivier saw him before shooting the scene, he asked Hoffman why he looked so terrible. Hoffman replied that he hadn’t slept for three days in order to get into the character properly. Lord Olivier asked: ‘My dear boy, why don’t you just try acting?’
American writer Dorothy Parker once met the playwright, composer, singer and actor Sir Noel Coward, who was known for his acidic remarks. Dorothy was wearing a masculine suit and sporting a short haircut. Noel said to her: ‘you almost look like a man, my dear’, whereupon Dorothy replied: ‘so do you’.
Christopher Hitchens was an intellectual, writer, journalist, and debater with a brilliant and quick mind. Above all, he was an atheist and was often involved in debates about the existence of ‘God’ with religious people who almost always lost out to him. On one occasion, his sanctimonious adversary patronised Hitchens by saying: ‘You are a lost soul, I will pray for you’. Christopher replied: ‘Thank you and I will think for you’.
Dr Samuel Johnson, credited with compiling the first English dictionary in the mid 18th Century, gained wide popularity after the publication of his “A Dictionary of the English Language”. At a party to celebrate the big literary event, Johnson was approached by women group representatives who congratulated him on his decision to leave out all obscene words from his dictionary. Dr Johnson replied: ‘And I congratulate you, ladies, on your persistence in searching for them’.
Finally, Dorothy Parker again. She was called by the editor of the New Yorker Magazine while on her honeymoon to ask why she was late with a book review she was commissioned to write. Her answer was ‘I am too fucking busy, and vice versa’.
