It started with a text message 4 hours before I was due to leave for the airport. British Airways (BA) helpfully informed me my flight would be 1 hour 45 minutes late taking off and I should rearrange my airport arrival time accordingly. Suspicious, I checked on line and while doing that, I received an email from BA confirming the mildly bad news.
I arrived at the airport, checked in, cleared security, waited in the lounge and finally boarded, to eventually take off according to the revised time around 21:20 for the four and half hours flight. With the two hours difference between Cyprus and the UK, the pilot promised to land us just before midnight. I read, slept, read some more and all was well with my world.
One unplanned in-flight entertainment came from an obese gentleman across the aisle from me who chose to wear grey tracksuit and slippers for his trip, consumed, in addition to his 3-course meal, multiple beers, champagne, nuts, and fruits to satisfy a couple of gorillas. Temporarily full, he then fell asleep with his left arm raised in the air like a keen schoolchild eager to draw his teacher’s attention to be allowed to give the right answer! With his left arm held aloft, his tracksuit top hitched up his trunk and with at least three hours into the flight, his tracksuit bottom had slipped down his girth, thus giving passengers and flight crew a fine display of his huge belly and groin area to enjoy! I have a 4-second iPhone video evidence!
We finally landed at 23:40. Heathrow Airport was impressively empty, and clearing passport control at Terminal 5 was executed in no time at all. Luggage began to go round the carousel belt at 23:50 but, because my suitcase had a “Priority” label on it, that jinxed things and it emerged almost the last of all luggage.
I arrived at the Europcar car rental desk just outside Customs at 12:10 after midnight to find the place empty, save for a card on the desk urging me to call a number for assistance. I dialled the number.
Unhelpful Assistant: Can I help you sir?
Me: Yes, I need to collect the car I booked
Unhelpful Assistant: But it is after midnight sir
Me: I am aware of that
Unhelpful Assistant: We don’t run courtesy buses at this time of night
Me: Why not?
Unhelpful Assistant: It is regulations sir
Me: So, how do I get to your depot?
Unhelpful Assistant: you might be able to get a taxi
Me: What do you mean: I might be able to?
Unhelpful Assistant: Most taxi drivers will not like to take short fares but you can try
Me: And if I fail to convince one of them, what are my options?
Unhelpful Assistant: You can wait until 5:00 when the first courtesy bus will run or call for a mini-cab taxi
Me: But I don’t know any mini-cab taxi companies around here!
Unhelpful Assistant: I can give you a number
Me: So, why didn’t you provide the mini-cab taxi number on your display card instead of your number and save everyone a lot of trouble and time?
Unhelpful Assistant: I am just an employee sir, do you want the number?
Me: Ok, go ahead
I rang the number and arranged to go to another section of the airport where the unofficial taxi can pick me up at a point where no airport official can challenge him for plying his trade and I was finally delivered at Europcar.
The offices in the middle of the compound were well lit and friendly, all service counters were empty save for one where a very tired customer was slouching over the counter top while the assistant was busy ignoring him and doing things on an invisible keyboard and screen. I waited for a while and the busy assistant called for assistance. A young man turned up, offered to assist me and we soon identified one another as the people who spoke on the phone half an hour earlier.
Me: You have all those courtesy buses outside, why don’t you run any after midnight?
Unhelpful Assistant: We are not allowed to sir?
Me: Who is not allowing you?
Unhelpful Assistant: British Airways, I think
Me: What does BA have to do with this?
Unhelpful Assistant: I am not sure but it has been like this for many years
Me: But Hertz are running buses, I saw one just as I was leaving
Unhelpful Assistant: Maybe they have a special arrangement
Me: You should make the same special arrangement, I have just had to pay £20 for a 3-minute ride, are you going to refund this?
Unhelpful Assistant: No sir. Can I have your driving licence and passport please?
Me: Why do you need my passport?
Unhelpful Assistant: To verify your id sir. Can I have your paper counter licence?
Me: Why do you need that?
Unhelpful Assistant: to verify you do not have endorsement
Me: I have already gone through this yesterday, or day-before-yesterday now that it is 01:00 on Sunday morning, check your system
Unhelpful Assistant: Oh yes, you are clean. Can I have a proof of address please?
Me: You already have it on my licence
Unhelpful Assistant: We need another source because the system we use to verify addresses is shut down for the night
Me: So, what can I do about it?
Unhelpful Assistant: Do you have a household bill on you, like an electricity or water bill?
Me: I most certainly do not have a bill on me, do you go around with domestic bills stuffed in your wallet?
Unhelpful Assistant: Let me check with my supervisor
Supervisor: Just override it
Unhelpful Assistant: I am going to override this part sir
Me: Fantastic!
The Unhelpful assistant went on to enter stuff on the system for the next 10 minutes, occasionally asking questions I already supplied a number of times and repeating facts to me I already had in the information pack I printed days earlier. He also tried to sell me additional insurance, which would have cost more than the actual car rental I was quoted and I refused to be tempted, even as he gradually lowered the price down to just £10 per day extra.
Finally, he printed more paper and asked me to sign in various places. Satisfied that he has sufficient data about me to write my biography, he was ready to let me have the car. He disappeared and returned 5 minutes later.
Unhelpful Assistant: I have a car for you but it is being washed at the moment
Me: You wash cars after midnight but you don’t collect customers to drive them?
Unhelpful Assistant: Sorry sir, it will only be 10 minutes
Me: Why wasn’t the car washed already? I was two hours late arriving, you could have had it repainted, never mind washed!
Unhelpful Assistant: Are you ok to wait?
Me: What choice do I have?
15 minutes later, I got up and went looking for my unhelpful assistant.
Me: Is the car ready yet?
Unhelpful Assistant: Oh yes, it is waiting for you outside
Me: How was I supposed to know if you guys don’t tell me
Unhelpful Assistant: sorry sir
I went outside and the car was still dripping water as no one bothered to dry it after the wash. I checked inside, indeed it was clean. I loaded my luggage and stepped inside the car. No ignition key!
I got out and went back inside.
Me: Where is the ignition key?
Unhelpful Assistant: It’s in the car sir
Me: No it isn’t
Unhelpful Assistant: Are you sure sir?
Me: I am pretty sure, pretty tired and pretty frustrated; you go check for yourself
Two minutes later he returned, confirmed my report, disappeared behind a screen, and returned brandishing the car keys.
Unhelpful Assistant: Sorry sir. Are you familiar with this specific model, do you need assistance on how to drive it?
Me: No thank you, I can work it out for myself, you have been assistful enough for one day.
Europcar, your customer service is truly terrible and if you don’t do something about it, sooner or later, you will surly and spectacularly fail. This is from a customer who will not return, before or after midnight.
