At 3:30 p.m. on Friday 21 March 2008, Adam Newsence, Walter’s supervisor walked over to Walter’s desk and said the Patents Director wanted to see him in her office immediately. Walter had never spoken to her before and asked Adam why she wanted to see him, “beats me Walt!” was Adam’s unhelpful reply.
Walter walked over to the office of the tall and bespectacled Patents Director who dedicated her energies to assessing inventions and patents to the detriment of her looks and social life both of which were diminishingly limited. With her was Mr Henry Morris, the Chief Executive; a short man with a huge potbelly, a severe hair cut and even more severe demeanour. The Chief Executive ordered Walter to sit down; Walter sat down immediately as he was feeling sick with anxiety.
Mr Morris: Walter, I understand you have registered a patent for something called ComCar, is that right?
Walter: yes, yes, yes, actually, it is called CarCom
Director: why didn’t you tell me about the ComCar Walter? You know my door is always open to you
Walter: oh, is it? Thank you, sorry. It is called CarCom
Mr Morris: I have been visited by the Serious Fraud Office this morning Walter
Walter: oh, oh, oh!
Director: they mentioned your name Walter
Walter: oh, oh, oh!
Mr Morris: they say you have invented something else, did you know that Walter?
Walter: oh yes, oh yes, oh yes
Mr Morris: Walter, did you know you have been defrauded of your invention by other people?
Walter: yes, yes, yes, I did
Director: why didn’t you tell me Walter, you know my door is always open to you, don’t you?
Walter: yes, yes, yes, you just told me
Mr Morris: are you an inventor Walter?
Walter: I suppose I am, yes, yes, yes
Director: I always thought you looked like an inventor Walter. My door is always open to inventors
Mr Morris: listen Walter, from now on, if you think of a new idea, I want you to register it with us straight away and you must come straight to me with any new ideas. My door is always open to you Walter
Director: so is mine Walter, come and see me too
Walter: thank you very much
Mr Morris: here you are Walter, this letter is for you
Walter: is it? What is it?
Mr Morris: open it and see. Well done Walter, good bye Walter
Director: let’s have lunch soon Walter
Walter walked out flushed and sweating. He needed a glass of water so he went straight to the water cooler and poured himself a plastic cup of cold water and drank it in one go. He then refilled his plastic cup and walked to his desk. Waiting for him was Adam Newsence.
Adam: well, how did it go Walt?
Walter: it went okay
Adam: what did she want from you?
Walter: she said her door is always open to me
Adam: is it? Her door is always firmly shut to me!
Walter: is it?
Adam: what is that envelope?
Walter: the Chief Executive gave it to me
Adam: the Chief Executive was there?
Walter: yes, yes, yes
Adam: what did he say to you?
Walter: he said his door is also always open to me
Adam: I don’t even know where his door is!
Walter: nor do I
Adam: well, aren’t you going to open it?
Walter: but I don’t know where his door is
Adam: no, I mean open the envelope
Walter opened the envelope and read it. His face went white and he sat down looking straight ahead of him.
Adam: well, what does it say?
Walter: what?
Adam: the letter, have you been fired? You look sick
Walter: I have been promoted to a Senior Supervisor
Adam: but that’s more senior than me!
Walter: is it?
Adam: yes! Can I get you something?
Walter floated home; he was giddy with excitement and was nearly knocked over by a white van. “Look where you goin’ frog face!” said the driver from High Class Cakes. Walter said sorry and carried on his way home.
Riesling: oh hello pet, you have gone all unnecessary, what’s the matter?
Walter: here, I bought some flowers and Champagne
Riesling: oh lovely! How did you know I have good news?
Walter: YOU have good news? What is it?
Riesling: tell me why you bought me the flowers and bubbly first
Walter: well, the big boss called me in and said the Serious Fraud Office have been asking questions about me
Riesling: and you want to celebrate that pet?
Walter: yes, yes, yes. They found out about Gill Bates stealing my inventions and then he promoted me to Senior Supervisor
Riesling: NOH! Oh pet, this is amazing, will you get more money?
Walter: I suppose so, why?
Riesling: because we are going to have additional expenses from now on
Walter: oh, oh, oh, what have you been up to now?
Riesling: what WE have been up to you mean
Walter: what have WE been up to my Devious Squirrel?
Riesling: Walter pet, I am pregnant, isn’t it?
Walter fainted.
Claire arrived in Perth, Australia on Thursday morning 31 January and went straight to her old friend’s house Janey Woodworth. Janey is a successful businesswoman who is big in knickers. She has a chain of underwear shops called “The Botty Shop”. Claire told Janey all about her experience in England and what Gill Bates has done to her. Janey confessed never to have heard of the N.O.D Law and thought Gill Bates was a swine anyway. Janey said Claire could stay with her for as long as she wanted and promised to help her get her own back on Gill Bates. Claire offered to look after the house while Janey was busy at work. She said she needed to lie low to collect her thoughts and plan her revenge on Gill Bates.
When Claire and Janey watched the news of the disastrous launch of the iBall, they drank 3 bottles of red wine that night and went to bed very happy. Claire was pleased with Steve Bawtree for messing things up so well. She decided to send him a “Thank You” card soon.
Claire also decided to write to Caitlin Older to ask when she should expect to receive her annual £100,000 income from Gill Bates. She didn’t dare to contact Gill directly because that would break the condition of the N.O.D.
When the news of the iBall disaster broke out, Steve Bawtree showed a lot of courage by giving statements to the press claiming to be the innocent partner in this messy episode. The Serious Fraud Office visited him in Cirencester and he gave them all the information they wanted. He solved the mystery of the anonymous Claire and gave them her full name; he also told them about Flaw & Older Solicitors, which wasted three days of their time trying to find the firm without luck. They raided the offices of the Gloucestershire Echo, arrested the editor under the “Terrorism Act”, before he finally disclosed the name and address of the person who placed the announcement. They eventually released him and he threatened to sue them for wrongful arrest.
Steve Bawtree sold his story to News of the World for £50,000, bailed his beloved Sarah out of prison and was unable to appoint a good lawyer to defend her because they were all busy with the flood of lawsuits against iBall Inc. and its directors, including him, as a result of the many injuries sustained by so many journalists and celebrities. Unwisely perhaps, Steve and Sarah Bawtree decided to mount their own defence.
On Tuesday 4 March Gill Bates held an emergency meeting with his team of advisors on the crisis facing his empire. His Chief Accountant, the notorious Tariq Ettiti, “Tazza” to his very few friends, “Two Spreadsheets” to his many enemies, gave him a summary of the situation:
“Basically Mr Bates, I am afraid I only have bad news. The iBall has been withdrawn from the market at a cost of $350 million. We are fighting hundreds of lawsuits from a variety of celebrities and journalists who are claiming everything from minor injuries to split personalities. You are personally wanted by the FBI, the CIA, Interpol, British Serious Fraud Office, the Russian Mafia and the Chinese Government. Our share price in all other businesses has gone through the floor. Our sales figures in GATES operating system, computer hardware, Myson vacuum cleaners, and every other product you care to mention have gone down by half and continue to fall. No one can get hold of Claire Hiscott; it is as though the ground has opened up and swallowed her. All and all, over the last few days, we have lost $1.5 billion and still counting…”
Gill Bates face was getting redder and redder with every word his accountant was uttering. Finally, he could take it no more; he shouted: “ENOUGH! I heard enough. What are you goons doing about this mess? What do I pay you for? I want you all to go away and think of how we are going to fix this problem. I also want you to assemble a multi national team of lawyers to defend me against all these arrest warrants and allegations. In the meantime, I want you to search the whole world for Claire; I want her punished for misleading me. I also want that Bawtree to be taken care of good and proper; he made a fool of me. I want Walter Patch to suffer, but not physically harmed mind, for setting this trap for me, I know it was a trap, he is too smart not to have known about the 3-D problem”.
One of Gill Bates sidekicks, Slimy Sami volunteered a small piece of information: “actually Mr Batesh shir, Walter ish no longer Patch; he ish now known ash Walter Dampatch on account of marrying a woman called Rieshling Damp”. Gill Bates started to froth at the mouth: “Why didn’t anyone of you goons tell me this before? No wonder I lost track of him over the last few weeks! Heads will roll for this, I promise you. Now clear off, the lot of you, I am surrounded by a bunch of amachers!”.
The meeting broke with the advisers scuttling out and accusing one another for not doing their jobs properly. Gill Bates went straight home for a cuddle with his mother who always made him feel better about this hateful world.
On Tuesday 1 April 2008, Walter and Riesling received a letter from the President of Tayta Car Company. It said:
Dear Mr and Mrs Dampatch,
Thank you for writing to us about your CarCom invention.
After due consideration, I would welcome the opportunity to meet with you in order to discuss how we might work together with a view to incorporating your invention into our entire range of Tayta vehicles. I have instructed our Tayta Chief Executive in the UK to contact you to arrange for a preliminary meeting in the UK before we arrange for advanced discussions here in Amman. I look forward to meeting you in the next few weeks.
Yours sincerely
Kukoo Wawa (President)
**** THE END ****
