As adults, we observe, analyse and label our children as ‘terrible twos’, ‘pre-teens’, pre-pubescent’ ‘teenagers’, and so on. We like this labeling so much, we seem to apply it to ourselves as we hit thirty, forty, fifty and so on, expecting to somehow change overnight on the eve of our milestone birthdays. The truth of the matter is that life does not follow our convenient decimal numbering system we use in our daily dealings.
Although we mark these tidy numbers in our lives, we dread reaching 30 when we are in our late twenties, 40 in our late thirties and so on. It seems to signal to us the missed opportunities we had of the more youthful decade we have just left behind. In reality though, we don’t feel much difference once we reach this neat and round arithmetical number. We are, however, likely to have notable changes after experiencing dramatic events in our lives, irrespective of our exact age at the times of such events, which can be tumultuous, happy, sad, tragic or life-defining in some way or another.
Unlikely as it may seem, some people go through their say, thirties, without experiencing any dramatic events. But life is a great equalizer, sooner or later drama visits all of us in various degrees of intensity so, most of us get their equal share of good luck, bad luck, happiness, sadness etc. Clearly, there are the exceptions, or ‘outliers’, as Malcolm Gladwell refers to them, who buck the trend and enjoy charmed lives or experience abject misery throughout their living years.
I am sure you have gathered by now that I’m talking about the gradual onset of ‘Maturity’.
Human maturity (from Latin Maturitas), is the process of heading towards being a fully developed person. Let us exclude physical maturity as this is almost beyond our control. What I am talking about is the intellectual, emotional and psychological maturity. Sure, maturity can occur in incremental small changes but, it can also happen in much larger step changes after experiencing dramatic events.
What kind of dramatic events? Well, major un-planned events that leave a lasting impression, positive or negative, on your life for a long time. This may apply to planned, or unexpected events that we experience for the first time like births and deaths. Here are some of my own major step change in my journey of gradual maturity:
The birth of our first child (Leila). Although planned and anticipated, her actual arrival compelled me to see life differently and I felt the weight of responsibility for Leila and her mother Claire that I did not anticipate before her arrival. Subsequently, we had two more girls (Rosy and Faye), which were very joyous events, the experience / maturity had already been realised so, I was able to enjoy their arrival in a more relaxed manner.
The death of my father. By the time my father died, I had already been living independently for some 30 years and only saw him perhaps once every two or three years so, we did not have a particularly close or inter-dependent relationship. Nevertheless, his passing away marked a significant change in my outlook on life and re-evaluation of my role as a member of the extended Sukkar family. I felt I had a duty towards my siblings and their children that went much deeper than it had been before. While my father was alive, he was the go-to-person for validation of family history, facts, dates, ancestry, and the occasional life advice. I somehow felt that I may occasionally be called upon to perform this role in the future and decided to embrace this duty. I don’t know if my five siblings felt the same way and I never asked however, I sensed some of them did more than others.
Being diagnosed with liver cancer. I have already written extensively about this topic and I don’t intend to dwell on it again. However, to say that was a step-change in my maturity is like saying winning $100 million on the lottery affected my bank balance a little.
In conclusion, we seem to experience physical and non-physical maturity involuntarily.
You may wonder why I refer to the topic as maturity and never mentioned the word ‘wisdom’. I believe there is a difference between the two words. Various dictionary definitions of these commonly, and sometimes interchangeably used words, give rise to this confusion because they both include knowledge and experience in their definition. However, I believe wisdom is somewhat elevated above maturity as a human quality because it requires judgment based on insight and/or intuition; while maturity is simply recognising a situation and comparing it with previous knowledge and experience then acting accordingly.
I believe you can be mature without being wise but, the reverse is not always true. Nearly all ‘normal people’ who live long enough will attain maturity but only a few can be truly referred to as wise.
A more eloquent distinction is inadvertently given in the ‘Serenity Prayer’, written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, who aptly used the word ‘wisdom’ in a way that would have diminished the power of the prayer had he chosen the word ‘maturity’ instead. Here is a reminder of the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
For the majority of mature people, that’s quite a tough test to pass!
Mufid Sukkar
